Grandad’s greatest hits

Grandad November 19th, 2008

I don’t know what it is about some people but without even knowing them, I want to smash their faces in.

They have never done me any harm, yet when I see them, the bile rises and I reach for the nearest weapon.

Top of the list has to be Tony O’Donoghue.

tod

There is something about him that drives me to a red rage.  Is it the idiot look he permanently wears?  Is it the cliché drenched way he talks about soccer?  Or is it just that he is a sports commentator?  I don’t know.  Whatever it is, he is crying out for a 9lb lump hammer.

Then there is Jennifer Anniston.

ja

I just cannot abide that girl.  Again, it is totally irrational.  The only reasoning I can come up with is that she was in Friends which is the epitome of everything I hate about American comedy.

Ant and Dec.

aad

When I see those two on the television, I just have to switch it off.  They look like a pair of lunatics that have escaped from a third rate childrens programme.  I fail to see how they have reached their current level of popularity.  Have television standards sunk this low?

Jamie Oliver.

jo

This one is quite easy.  He is such a smug little bollix.  He must know about me because the bastard now features in an advertisement along with Ant and Dec.

Sonia O’Sullivan.

sos

A harmless girl.  I believe she was quite good at running.  The sight of her worries me somehow.  Maybe if she had eyes?

Andie McDowell.

amd

OK.  I can’t stand her accent either, but there is something about her that makes me cringe.  She’s not worth it.

I have to stop there as I have used up my week’s supply of Prozac looking at those pictures.

I’m sure they wouldn’t hesitate before dropping me into a car crusher either, so all is fair.

But why do I hate them so much?

Am I alone in this?

Am I finally cracking?

How to blog?

Grandad November 18th, 2008

I received a mail recently from a bloke looking for advice about writing one of these sites.

Actually, I have received a few asking for general advice, so rather than answer them individually,  I’m going to answer them here.

Now, I hate people purporting to be experts, and cluttering up the place with their weedy ideas on how to be a great success, so if you didn’t write to me, you can ignore this.

First of all, I am not an expert blogger.  I just ramble away, and I am still not sure why anyone takes notice.  As for tips on how to write a ‘successful’ blog, I would suggest you go somewhere else.

Anyhows, here is what I have learned, or deduced over the past couple of years.

Hosting

The first thing is to get somewhere to stick your site.  This is not a crude invitation for some bad jokes, but you do need to put it somewhere.

There are free hosting places, such as Blogger and Wordpress, but I would avoid the former.  I just have a thing against them.  They leave you little room for manoeuvre when it comes to design or individuality, and their comment areas suck.

The ideal, of course is to set up your own server.  This doesn’t involve converting your back bedroom into a server farm and laying fibre optic to the nearest phone exchange; it merely means that you lease out some space from a reputable company.  At this point I would suggest Blacknight, but I don’t see why I should as they don’t give a damn about me.  Of course you can pay a little over the odds and lease a server plus someone with a little expertise who can help you with any problems you may have.  The latter means you wouldn’t have to worry about software upgrades or any of that nonsense.  Modesty forbids that I mention names here.  *cough cough cough*.

The next thing you need is a design.

Design

If you go with a free hosting, you are stuck with whatever they provide.  If you go with your own server, there are hundreds, nay thousands of templates available, especially if you use Wordpress software.

The main thing about the design of your site is to make it readable.  I am amazed at the number of designs I come across that use pale lettering on a white background.  Make sure your text is easily readable, unless of course you don’t want anyone to read it. 

The whole point of a blog is to publish material that people can read.  Ergo, the most important aspect of any design is that the content is easily readable, and there are few distractions.

Try not to clutter your site with things that aren’t important.  Too many sites have flashing things and strange graphics that don’t enhance the site, and are a distraction.  One site I know of has a load of these things, and as a result I never visit – it takes too damn long to download, and if I do download, it gives me a headache!

Content

You wouldn’t think there was anything to watch out for here, but I have found that there is.

I have come across posts in the past there were interesting and very well written, but I couldn’t read them.  Why?  Because they were set out as if they were on the printed page with huge paragraphs.  Reading off a small screen is not the same as reading a book.  Long paragraphs are a strain.  Break them up.  Write short paragraphs and leave a bit of space lying around.

One of the problems with the Interweb and blogs is that there are so many of the damn things around.  People flit from one to another, and unless your page is easy to read, they are going to flit on by to the next one.

Images are nice too.  They can break up text and make the page easier to read, particularly if they illustrate a point.  But keep them fairly small.  Some people are still on dial-up.

Comments

Comments are the lifeblood of a blog.  Without them, you might as well stick up an ordinary static site and be done with it.

Because they are so important, it is essential you make the process of commenting as easy as possible.  Choose a template where the comment link is obvious.  Avoid Captchas [those horrid yokes that ask you to type in random letters] – they are very irritating and occasionally don’t work.  They are there to prevent spam, but any decent blog should be able to bang spam into moderation without any problems.

One question that frequently crops up is how often you should comment on your own blog.  This is up to you, but if you don’t comment at all, you give the impression that you have written your piece and buggered off to the pub, leaving your readers to fend for themselves.  On the other hand, if you comment too often, it becomes a very time consuming job.  It’s up to you to strike a happy balance.

Add-ons

Most blogs come with add-ons or plug-ins.  These are little enhancements you can add to your site that can do various weird and wonderful things. 

The first and probably the most important one is a spam trap.  ‘Akismet’ seems to be the standard one here and is available across several platforms.

Another addition I like is the ability to edit a comment after it has been posted.  Usually you are given a set time in minutes to correct those little typos that always seem to creep in and look embarrassing.

One thing that happens to me a lot is that I comment on a blog and then forget a) which blog I commented on or b) that I commented at all.  A very handy addition that all blogs should have is an email follow up selector, that will notify me of any follow up comments.

Most other add-ons are discretionary, but don’t add them if they distract, or slow down the blog in any way. 

-oOo-

I could say a lot more, but my computer is running out of ink after this lot.

Joke of the year?

Grandad November 17th, 2008

Is the government having a laugh?

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that we are the subject of a Dail Bar bet.

Picture the scene: The Dail Bar a few months ago……

Biffo:  Hey lads!  I have a great idea.  Lets open a book on how low we can bring our ratings.

Martin:  How do we go about it?

Biffo:  For a start, we’ll hold an early budget.  This sounds like a laugh, and I can’t wait until the end of the year.

Coughlan:  You won’t lose many points on a budget.  Those fuckers out there are used to budgets and rising taxes.

Ahern:  I have an idea.  Lets hit the elderly and the school kids?  That should drop us a few points?

Biffo:  Brilliant!  Let’s take away the medical cards and increase class sizes.  Any more ideas?

Harney:  I could withdraw the cervical cancer vaccination?  That should wind ‘em up good and proper?

Biffo:  Good thinking.  I like your style.  We can leak out about a few more of your cancer diagnosis errors too.

Harney:  Not all of them though.  We want to keep a few in reserve.

Ahern:  Let’s introduce a new income tax and hit everyone, even down to the lowest paid?

Biffo:  Brilliant.  Jesus, but this is going to be fucking class!  I’m laying €500 we’ll be down to single figures by December.

A couple of months later….

Biffo:  We’re doing real well, but we can do better.  We rightly pissed ‘em off with the budget.  Did you see those old wrinklies out there on their Zimmer frames?  I haven’t laughed so much in years.

Coughlan:  We are still in double figures though, and it’s only a couple of weeks until December.

Biffo:  Shit!  We have to come up with something else.

Martin:  I was thinking about that.  How about having another Lisbon referendum?

Biffo:  That is a stroke of real genius!  Set the ball rolling.

Coughlan:  Hold on.  This is a great laugh, but aren’t we going to lose the next election because of it?

Biffo:  Are ya mad?  A month before the election, we’ll suddenly ‘find’ those billions we salted away and give the fuckers a small tax break.  They’ll forgive us and forget all about this game.

Harney:  You’re right.  I’m off to fuck up a few more hospitals.

Biffo:  Good girl.

The World on my Laptop

Grandad November 16th, 2008

I normally leave this laptop running 24 hours a day.

There are two reasons for this.

The first is that you never know the hour or the minute when you might get an email.

The second is that it helps to heat the house.

The only thing is that every now and then, something goes tits up, or it downloads something and it has to be restarted.

This is irritating, because that all important email could arrive just as I’m switching off and I won’t get to read it for at least another minute or two.

Some nerds are going to suggest at this point that I should install Linux.  Simple answer: I have been down that road.  Fuck off.

Anyway, the machine normally restarts with no problems, but something strange has started to happen.

Sometimes [and only sometimes] when all the clattering and smoke has cleared, and the machine is running smoothly again, I find a little yoke on my screen -

globe

I don’t know what it is.  Well, I do know what it is.  It’s a map of the American Continent.  But what is it doing there?

I have tried clicking on it with both mouse buttons.  Nothing happens.  I have tried shoving it around.  It won’t move.  It does nothing except sit there.  If it did something, I would be happy.  If it spun around, or exploded, at least there would be something to look at.  In the end, having watched it for a few minutes, I click on the little X and it disappears.

But what the fuck is it?

Where did it come from?

Anyone any ideas?

The Irish Times can be fatal

Grandad November 15th, 2008

Guinea pigs are strange animals.

They have this inscrutable expression all the time, like Japanese, so you never know whether they are happy or not.

I have learned quite a bit about them since MinniePig came into our lives. 

For a start, our Minnie’s favourite items are Romaine lettuce and the Irish Times.  She is very fussy about her reading matter and it’s a race to get the Irish Times read before she has eaten it.

Having devoured Roisín Ingle, she will happily sit there producing loads of poo.

Guinea pig poo is strange stuff.  It always seems to be fairly dry and hard, and it is always exactly the same size.  The size looked vaguely familiar, so I measured it. 

I was right.

Minnie produces .177 calibre shit every time.

I have an old air rifle that I am very fond of.  It was my first gun, and I got it for my fifth birthday.  I still remember the joy of my first kill.

hunterelite

I haven’t used the rifle much lately, but I dug it out of the attic and tried out Minnie’s poo for size.  It was perfect.

Last week, I brought it out to do some hunting.  I had forgotten how good an air rifle can be as there is no sound to scare any other tourists in the area.  I racked up a good score.

I would be very interested to see the pathologists report.

Cause of death unknown, but guinea pig excrement was found in the heart

I think Minnie and I have a long and fruitful symbiotic career ahead of us.

Posting times

Grandad November 14th, 2008

I received a yoke from An Post yesterday, as I suppose most people did.  It was one of those flyers that gives last posting dates.

There was a severe health warning at the top -

The moment you send a card, it’s Christmas

What?

So if I nip down to the post office today and post a card, I am going to arrive home and find the house all decorated, and Herself dressed as Santa lying pissed under the mistletoe?

I’m very glad they warned me, so this year I shall wait until midnight on the 24th December before posting anything.  Just to be on the safe side, I won’t post anything until then, so if you are expecting a cheque, it’s not in the post.

Anyway, are they not aware that times have moved on a bit?

There was a time when we used to post all our stuff in November.  All the begging letters looking for money used to head off to the relations nice and early to give them plenty of time to respond.  But now we are in the era of electronic whatsits and that is ancient history.

According to their flyer, I have only three weeks left to save up for a stamp if I wish to send something to my cousin Bill who is busy cutting down the Amazonian Rain Forests.  They reckon it will take three weeks to get to him.  Are they not aware that I can send him an email that he will receive within a minute or two?

They really should buck up their ideas.

For those of you who are doing the sensible thing and sending off the usual “Hi, Hppy Xms, GD” then here are the last posting dates:

Ireland Dec 24th 23:59:55
N. Ireland Dec 24th 23:59:55
Britain Dec 24th 23:59:55
Europe Dec 24th 23:59:55
USA/Canada Dec 24th 23:59:55
Central/South America Dec 24th 23:59:55
Australia & The Pacific Dec 24th 23:59:55
Rest of the World Dec 24th 23:59:55

You must admit that that is quite simple.  Believe me it is a lot less complex than the yoke I received.

At the bottom of the flyer, there is a competition.

Complete in 15 words or less:

This year I will be doing my Christmas shopping at the Post Office because……

My entry:

Security is shite and it is easier to rob than the bank.

Am I in with a chance?

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